Okay – I know you hate telemarketers but….

There is a difference between sales calls and surveys. I am calling from a research company. Believe me, I don’t like this job any better than you like me calling, but I have a mortgage to pay and it’s what I’m doing at the moment to make up for a hell of a run of lousy luck in a failed economy.

Now let’s go through some things that will make BOTH of our lives easier, shall we?

Please don’t bother to tell me that you are “on the do not call list.” If you would have read the damn thing when you signed up, it specifically says that it does not apply to survey/research companies, anyone that you have already done business with, or charities.

Ask me to place you on OUR do not call list. I’m fine with that, and you don’t need to be a snot about it either. However, please be aware that companies like the one I work for also get farmed out work, and just because I removed you from our copy of the database, doesn’t mean you were removed from every data base that might be in use. ALSO, just because someone, somewhere else, removed you doesn’t mean that you have been removed from the database I am tied to. Capeche?

Do not yell at me because I called you. It’s not like I pulled your number out of my butt, and neither did my employer – your number was more than likely placed in the database by someone that YOU do business with (see line ONE above.)

When I call you and say that I am taking a survey, the correct answer is not “I’m happy with my insurance/healthcare/phone company/etc.” The correct answer is “I would prefer not to.”
I just said that I am taking a SURVEY! That implies that I’m not asking you to change a damn thing, so I’m obviously not selling anything.

Ditto verbal abuse, or rudeness. I am taking a survey. I am always as polite as possible and so are most of the other people that call you for surveys. You know what? You being so fucking rude will make sure that the next person that some of us survey takers call WILL get a response that is a little more rude and brusque. You think about having ten people in a row slam the phone in your ear, or say something to the effect of “Fuck off and die” in the “I think you’re scum” tone of voice. Would you be quite as polite after a few sessions of that??? I really doubt it.

If you are hard of hearing, please just say “I’m sorry, I can’t hear you,” and quietly hang up. You do not need to keep screaming in MY ear. I’m not the one that’s deaf here. For most surveys, I can already tell by your voice and the fact that you can’t hear me, that you are probably not in the demographic we are looking for anyway. However, I’m trying to be polite, so as long as you are yelling, I can’t really hang up now, can I?

“You called me at dinner time!” This is always said with the “are you a retard?” tone of voice. Okay, well, here’s a newsflash – not everyone eats dinner at 6:00pm sharp. I’m lucky to get dinner by 10:00pm. And I am not the one that programmed the damn computer that feeds the numbers to not take into consideration that there are time differences. Now, I’ll admit, I don’t like being bothered when I’m busy, or relaxing, or whatever. But you know what? Then I don’t answer the phone! I let the machine get it, and get back to who I want to talk to later.

And then there’s the opposite side of this – the coot that has no friends, no family and no one to talk to, so they will agree to take a survey, even though they have no idea what it’s about, and will refuse to listen to the questions, or even attempt to answer in any intelligible way, simply because they want someone to talk to. This is passive aggressive behavior at best, and even though I may have a semi-completed survey, I just missed a shot at three other people that might have been able to take the survey and provide valuable input.

Let’s all be kind to one another. If you don’t feel like doing a survey, at least be polite. If you want to hang up, you can do so quietly, you don’t need to slam down the phone. remember that if our present state of the Union doesn’t shape up pretty damn soon, YOU just might be the one on my end of the phone. I promise that I will not yell, bitch or slam the phone down on you, when your time comes in the survey dungeons.